risk

i took these on a bus trip in 2002 with members of the educational program of the Trenton Area Soup Kitchen. i think of the risks the immigrants took, and that some of these students took to go on this trip. many of them had never been outside trenton, had never been on a boat, had never been to a place like new york. and the risk involved with going into a g.e.d. program -- when school has never been anything but frustrating and humiliating? and you're not sure you have what it takes -- remember there's math required here! there's some real courage there.



today's theme seems to be willingness to pay the price, or to go through what is truly difficult in order to have a life and relationships that are more real.

• my beloved the expert being willing to be a beginner so that he can learn something that matters,
  
• someone i love being willing to put the conflict on the table so that we can have a more solid relationship when we've worked through it,
  
• a long conversation with a coke addict i really like who is trying to bolster his willingness to go through the flatness and pain to get to a freedom he's not sure he believes in,

. . . and me? i got word yesterday that my top choice school said no. and yes, it was a long shot that they'd say yes, and yes, i'm sure there'll be some sadness when it sinks in good, but i hold onto these things:

• i do believe that i'm being Guided in this process, and something Right will come of all this,
• i already have some really good options, and even financial help -- still hard to believe people will give me money to come to their (very good) schools,
• if no is the answer, i'm glad to have it sooner, so that i can focus on the actual choices, and
  
• this is what we risk by going for the really good stuff instead of just the safe options -- sometimes i won't get what i dream about, and that will hurt, but it's ok to hurt some

just a few months ago, the picture i had put together was a school that is very affordable, but probably not very challenging. since then, (with lots of pushing from the beloved expert) i've allowed myself to consider schools that are exciting -- and well, to get excited. so yes, this is disappointing, but my world is bigger because of it.

i'm thinking about a line in christine kane's song "or just heading home"

i fell in love once
with a boy from wichita
when he left me it broke my heart
but i do not regret it