happy people

ok, so someone goes around asking everyone, “who is the happiest person you know?” and then interviewing the happy people — and writes a book or article or makes a film, or something . . .

eric says i told him about this a while back, and now that he mentions it, it does sound familiar, but i can’t pull it up in my memory — and can’t find it by googling.

does anyone in my life know what i’m talking about? if so, please e/call/comment. thanks! it’s driving me crazy.

Leadings #4: say no

oops, i forgot #4 in this series on Leadings, so here it is.

4. learn to say no. of course i need to say no to the “bad” things, but the wrong path for me is not necessarily a bad path in any objective sense. in addition to all the consumer stuff, every day, the world presents opportunities to give my time and money to address real problems. there are people who need food, clothing, medical care (for countless conditions), protection, education, employment, companionship, advocacy, treatment, peacemaking, encouragement, fairness and equality. there are those who are hungry, sick and in prison, both literally and figuratively, at every turn.

. . . and this is just the people. there are also animals, rivers, mountaintops, etc. which can call us to action.

if i respond to every one of these with an internal “should” (whether or not i actually commit time or money), i run a serious risk of simply immobilizing myself and being little or no good to anyone — and more importantly, failing to discover the reason i’m here.

it’s really no wonder i isolate myself from the world’s problems — i am overwhelmed by them because i somehow believe that i am responsible for responding to every need i encounter. unfortunately, this is reinforced by many good people and causes who use guilt to hook me into joining them. if i don’t have a strong sense of what i am supposed to be doing, it’s hard not be swamped by all this. sometimes in the face of all this, i just shut down my compassion.

but when i know what i’m here for, i can dedicate myself to that and stay centered in this sea of need. when i encounter need, i can be willing to feel the compassion and concern i have, ask myself whether this is pulling me in a positive (rather than guilt-ridden) way, and if not, then i can return to my own true work.

there are way too many needs for any one of us, and i don’t think it helps me or anyone if i get scattered. it’s important to have permission to say no.

it’s my hope that those of us doing good work in the world can learn to support each other emotionally without any guilt in the transaction. i want to be able to say, “wow, that is so great that you’re doing that! here’s what i’m doing over here,” and have that feel clean all the way around. i would like to go to talks on various issues, to learn and care, and then return to my own part, glad that others are doing theirs.


lunch with my folks today at the lovely veranda cafe in black mountain. hard to top that!

i got a call from the chaplain at the swannanoa valley youth development center, which is a nice name for our local state-run long-term incarceration facility for juvenile boys.

anyway, i am to get a new guy who needs some one-on-one — and this time it’s to be art, not math! i know i’m weird but when the chaplain said the boy had been described as “artistic and angry” i thought: cool — this ought to be fun! and it’s partly that reaction that lets me know i’m in the Right place. i really love working with these guys.

one of the stranger things i'll miss about asheville.

one more attempt to catch the snow

forsythia

in keeping with the yellow theme i seem to have going, the forsythia looks like this, and we just had a snow shower. oops, better go fill the feeder.

easter bunnies

welcome to my life, where the funniest thing i've seen in ages is on a death penalty blog called capital defense weekly . . .

what i'll really miss

what i'll miss most, of course, is my family. a subset of the local contingent is shown here at morning glory cafe having easter brunch. we were missing eric (working), hanna (new york city band trip) and david (australia). there are ten of us who live in town at the moment. this time next year, the number will be cut in half, with five of us leaving for further schooling: david and deanna off to australia, nate off to first year of college and us off to law school. the weirdest perspective is that mom will be the only extrovert left. we imagine the family gathering to . . . go to separate corners and read?! what does this look like?

how in the &*(^ do we figure this out!?

some pics from ut law:
so nice to spend a few days where it's warm and actually becoming green already my favorite march thing to do!). physically, ut law is like texas in some ways: lots of space and sky.

the world's best tour guide and most tolerant host sits in the library (notice the shorts in mid-march):


also in that pic above, notice the walls of glass, which look like this:


really a lovely place. even the stacks are colorful:


all this cool art everywhere. hard to tell what this is from the pic, but it's an ancient lock (from persia, maybe? -- i've forgotten).
this "where to go" decision really is tough.

first of all, i still don't have all the schools' answers.

three of the answers i have are some form of "maybe" now.

and there's the money -- how important will the level of debt be, considering the great loan repayment stuff for people who do public service law?

is it better to go to a school where i can be at the top of the class, shine, get the good spots and the attention of profs? or is it better to go somewhere where everyone is my level or better?

and how important is the school's ranking or reputation? i tend to blow that off to some extent, as long as it looks like i'll get a good education, since i want to work in death penalty arena -- it's not like i'll be competing for corporate jobs. but as one law prof pointed out, the credentials from top schools can sometimes be important, because they help to legitimize whoever i work for.

and how important is it to study with people who are doing death penalty work? is it better to go to a "better" school?

and how much better is it if i go to a school in the south, where the death penalty is?

big school with more class choices, profs, etc.? or is smaller better?

and how important is it to leave myself open to further Guidance in all this? maybe i'll end up being drawn into international human rights or something else? will the Right school necessarily be the logical one? who knows?

and all this without mentioning the huge question of eric's location preferences and work needs . . .

sigh.

say prayers, hold us in the Light, send good thoughts, whatever is your way . . . thanks!

Leadings #5: read

asheville airport last night — somebody’s plane was really late:

more on Leadings:

another suggestion: read. as part of these thoughts on Leadings, i wanted to put together a suggested reading list. maybe i will. if so, it will include gregg levoy’s callings: finding and following an authentic life which came up in conversation this morning.

shortly after we settled (re-settled, in my case) in asheville in 2002, we were wandering around downtown one late-summer evening, and happened into malaprops bookstore & cafe in time for a lecture/reading/booksigning by gregg levoy. what a treat! in looking for the link earlier today, i came across levoy’s book recs and the list looks amazing. although i haven't read all of them, i think i'll just defer to him at this point. i’ll add other book recs of my own as i go along, and would welcome yours, as well.

Leadings #3: get proactive

still in austin. nick has been a great sport about another night of ‘rents on the futon and has even offered his dad a clean t-shirt (complete with law firm logo). tornado problems in houston kept us from flying home yesterday.

today, instead of participating in the asheville events to mark the fifth anniversary of the iraq invasion, i’ll be flying home this evening. (and get some of my thoughts about that down — as well as some pics from austin — later this week.)

yesterday, instead of flying, i got more time with nick & serine, some great pizza, more episodes of arrested development, and a wonderful phone conversation with a good friend about this whole issue of Leadings or Call or Rightness in our lives. here are some thoughts arising from that conversation and other events this week.

as is true for an uncanny number of people in my life, my friend is doing good work, but is wondering whether there is something more Right for her. it’s a tricky situation. it’s easy for me to make arguments that what she is doing is good: it’s important, it benefits lots of people, she is good at it. these things are true, but they are also the external voice talking. her Insides are saying yeah, yeah, but i want something more — i want to be doing something i love, that uses more of what i have to offer, that’s a really good fit, that motivates me, that Lights me up at least when i remember why i’m doing it.

this week i had a brief conversation with a law student who is wondering whether a life in death penalty work would be too . . . ummm, dark? good question. important question. one i’ve asked myself, and lots of other people have asked me. and a question each of us can answer only for ourselves because we’re all so different.

this week i also had the real honor of meeting rob owen of ut law’s death penalty clinic, someone i’ve been admiring from afar since i first stepped into all this. he came to austin with his 1989 harvard jd, and has been doing this work ever since — not just fighting for condemned clients, but doing so in Texas (it’s hard to overstate the bleakness of the capital punishment situation here, his recent wins notwithstanding). in my conversation with him, though, i was struck by how enthusiastic he is and how he seems to love this work he’s been doing for close to twenty years. it seems Right for him, and he for it.

that’s what we’re looking for — not his work, of course, but that Rightness.
some people will tell you that’s too much to ask for, but i don’t believe it. some people will tell you that not everyone has a calling, but i don’t believe it. i think it’s like creativity — we all have it, the question is how to find it, tap it, live it.

so here are some thoughts on finding it, if i don’t already have a strong sense of what’s Right for me:

be pro-active — make regular space for exploring. your own way of living with this question is fine, but here are some to consider: julia cameron’s the artist’s way recommends a two-fold practice, including daily morning pages and weekly artist dates. this may sound odd, but for me, the every-morning speed-writing, which i’ve been doing more on than off for 14 years now, is a way to dump what’s inside out onto a page where i can see it. it’s a great tool for catching myself telling the Truth, instead of saying what i’m supposed to think or feel. the artist dates (much harder for me) are a way to just sort of wander or play regularly, to try to find out what delights me or is really fun for me, which is surprisingly hard for some of us.

be still — make regular space for listening. this means silence with absolutely no distractions or interruptions. call it meditation, prayer, whatever you like, but be willing to be still and ask. be willing to do it again and again, even if no answer comes. be willing to wait for an answer. it’s worth it. the regular asking itself will help me notice the clues when i get them. this doesn’t have to be a big deal, but it is hard to do. how about sitting ten minutes when i first get up every day? i can burn a candle if i like. i can drink coffee/tea, doesn’t matter, i just sit.

get help - is there anyone i know who is a good mirror for me? who can help me notice when i Light up about something, or when an issue seems to particularly hook me? is there anyone in my family or who has known me a long time, who can help me think of people i’ve admired? quakers have a thing called clearness committees, in which a group is invited to just listen and ask questions, to sort of serve as this mirror when one has an important decision. this kind of thing can be amazing.

austin

hello from austin not boston -- and bookpeople, the largest bookstore in texas.

we're here -- unfortunately nick is not! he's on standby for a flight this evening -- we're keeping our fingers crossed.

Leadings #2

[for the purpose of this writing, i’m assuming that we are all good people who do many good and important things, but have this sense that there is more. maybe in the middle of life, asking whether this is all there is. maybe just starting out, feeling the enormity of the choices. maybe in the later part, feeling the pressure of time. maybe longing to do something important in the world. maybe wanting the safety of knowing our place or the challenge of something really big. maybe the sense that we are spending our lives on things that aren’t quite it, though people around us assure us that our contribution is important. maybe admiring people who seem to understand what they are here for and what they are to do, whose lives have a meaningful focus.]

last week i wrote about taking responsibility. the paradox is that i must simultaneously take responsibility and let go and trust. i must take responsibility for listening for — and responding to — these leadings, these hints and nudges, that still small Voice. but first a few thoughts about what to stop doing.

the first step is to be willing to toss out my own assumptions about what would be really sweet. if i’m going to follow Leadings, i have to recognize that my ego’s voice — smart as it may be — does not have my best Guidance. i need to be willing to see through a different lens, be willing to be surprised. in the same way that we learn to let our brains overrule our instincts (though instincts continue to have value), we can learn to let Leadings overrule our best thinking. not that thinking is bad!

recognize that i aim at the wrong goal by default. of course i have an image of “the good life” — i am steeped in a culture which defines it for me and tries to sell it to me in a zillion ways. i figured out long ago that the consumer culture will not keep its promises. this is not news. but i often fail to acknowledge how deeply i am affected by it all. our culture programs us to a buy-more-get-approval-be-less-ugly-have-power-be-cool-or-you’ll-never-be-happy way of thinking, and it’s hard to overcome that.

make a habit of questioning. i can’t question the cultural version of ‘good’ without some pretty constant effort. if i fail to make this effort, i end up following what seems like the best advice available, but it is in fact a path which will only lead me toward more of the same: a life that has its moments but generally is not rich. i need to ask: is this Good? does it square with what i believe? is it Right for me? what is it costing?

stop giving any weight whatsoever to what others are running after. they don’t have the answers — they’re still chasing. mama was right: that everyone else does it doesn’t make it right for me. by itself, though, this realization is not enough to keep me from following the herd. it may help to remember is that this is not a democratic process — it’s entirely mine. it may be that few people even realize that there are real alternatives here. but if i start with what everyone else wants, then that predetermines the outcome or at least the path, and may well foreclose the Right path, the road not taken, my own narrow way.

even good people who love me don’t have my answers. and this means being willing to be out of step not only with the larger culture, but with the people close to me. this can be tough, really tough, but i have to be willing to take this on. if i hold onto external acceptance instead of the Voice inside me, i take the wrong path. this doesn’t mean i become a self-righteous, judgmental person, but that i have to risk that others will interpret my choices as judgment of theirs. it’s easier to go along, but i know where that leads. judge not, but take a different path if that’s Right.

the ideal of Goodness that i took from my upbringing may not be helping me. it’s okay to question this, especially if my picture of being Good is boring, sappy, humorless or not very smart. i’m talking about coming alive here.

attacks on good people

i know a couple of women who regularly inspire and delight the people with whom they come into contact. i know them both well and they are good-hearted and committed to being smart about making the world a better place. they are both dedicated to their own spiritual growth - to living with less judgment and resentment and more joy.

so why do they each also attract real venom from near-strangers sometimes? over the years i’ve seen them attacked with a kind of cruel, derisive, go-for-the-jugular vitriol that i rarely see outside of romantic breakups and political contests. i’m not talking about a smug holier-than-thou response — i mean actively spiteful words and actions which shock me and seem completely over the top.

what is this about? where does it come from?

my theory is that my friends threaten world-view, and there is little more terrifying than having our entire sense of how the world works threatened (just ask galileo!). my friends tell the world in word and actions that something better is possible and worth working toward. for some that’s a welcome reminder, a call to hope, but for some others this is a huge threat and triggers their cornered-animal behavior.

i think the pattern is this: this attack response is produced in people who

1) have a more cynical world-view,
2) are deeply invested in the world working the way they think it does, and
3) sense the core strength and power these friends possess (otherwise the strong reaction makes no sense — they could simply be dismissed after some eye-rolling).

my friends inspire this rage because they threaten everything for these folks: the security of understanding the world’s workings, their own place and value, and their own goodness. by this last i mean that if it turns out my friends are right and it is possible to be both smart and compassionate, both hopeful and effective, both delightful and committed, both hilarious and serious, both soft and strong, then they have made bad choices and are not wearing the white hats.

what to do with sex offenders

there is much conversation in the legal "blawgs" (e.g., here) these days on sex offender post-release residency restrictions. i am mostly watching and listening, but i am struck by this:

this may be the best solution the political/legal world can come up with, but as a society, we can and need to do better.

can we (the public) take advantage of the current outrage against sex offenders to demand that our departments of correction actually begin to provide some sort of correction? here again, we act as if the only tool we have is a hammer. if someone breaks the law, we incarcerate them and that is supposed to deter future crime on the part of the offender and others. this seems to work for some crimes, but certainly not for others. we need to see this.

it is in our national interest, and is our responsibility to our children, to recognize that this incarceration-only approach has no effect on future sex offenses. we need to face up to what is. we are holding them, and we are squandering this chance to have an impact, instead releasing them back into society when the strong evidence is that they remain dangerous. insisting that these people live a certain distance from schools will not solve this. locking them up forever will not solve it. more rules and increased punishment will not solve it. we need to look in a different tool-kit.

for a long time, we have been content to let our corrections systems be only punitive, and to consider anything constructive (education, treatment) as "coddling." but there is another way to see this. we need to demand that -- for our sakes -- our departments of correction develop and provide effective treatment for sex offenders. we need to figure out what works and do it.

and once we do this, it is possible that we can focus on solving other problems which incarceration alone is not solving: substance abuse and violence, for example.

Leadings #1

if what i want is to make the most of my life (whatever that means), what do i need to do? the closest i can get to a Guiding principle is this: following Leadings is where we can find the really good stuff of life. tricky to write about, since Leadings are by nature highly individual.

i think it’s ok to think about this from a religious or non-religious perspective. regardless of what i believe, i want to make the most of my life, and there are clues along the way. my own sense is that the Divine is inside all of us, but i can think of this Inner Teacher as my own Wisest Self if that helps. I like Thomas Merton on this: “At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives . . . It is in everybody, and if we could see it, we would see these billions of points of light . . . I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere.”

so here goes: a series of posts with some thoughts on following Leadings, finding a Right life, doing what we came here — or were put here — to do, etc. this is the first of about ten, i think.

take responsibility for my part

i used to try to find the Right way of looking at the world and life. actually, i still do this — i’ve just stopped looking for the one way. now i look for more puzzle pieces.

i like systems and principles, so i naturally wanted some sort of uber-system that would make it all clear. but there is deep paradox in the world of Spirit, and subtlety between what’s Good and not, and that’s part of the sheer beauty. it’s easy to twist any Truth. and here’s a quote i love: “the opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.” (Niels Bohr)

i don’t believe in great clashes of Good and Evil, at least for the most part. for me, the interesting part (and the real work) is in the little details of living, because unconsciousness is so seductive and there is so much cultural support for it. becoming conscious — waking up, being aware, showing up, being present, paying attention, becoming enlightened — is a prerequisite for a life that’s just right.

i also used to look for some one wise person to reveal the Truth, but no one can hand me my Truth. i have to get it myself. i have the capacity to recognize Truth whenever i encounter it — not that i am consistently that wise, but my capacity to resonate deeply and note that resonance gets stronger with practice. i’m better at distinguishing when i am encountering Truth from when i’m justifying.

everyone has some of the Truth and these bits of Truth are everywhere if i’m looking for them. i can collect them and make them mine. [one nice side of all this is that i no longer need my mentors to be perfect. we all have some Truth and we’re all still human.]

the bottom line here is that i must stop waiting for a meaningful Right life to somehow appear on my doorstep. i have to look for it, and the place i have to look is inside. in fact, i have to really look for it, invest in finding it, give it my time and energy. i have to make this a priority, not just some idle wish. i think this is what Jesus meant when he said, “seek and you will find” and “seek first the kingdom” — not that i will find whatever i look for (though there’s an argument to be made here), or that this is some kind of magic that always works, but that if i want a rich, meaningful, joyful life that perfectly suits me, i first have to find my own unique sources of richness, meaning and joy, and if i really look for them, i’ll find them. this is not to take over for the Divine, but to step up and do my part. then, as the quakers say, Way will open.

cool light tonight

here are a couple of pics from the post-storm this evening. the band of light appeared in the western sky just before sunset -- this one taken over the roof of our house:


and created the weirdest light for this shot of the b&b (shown exactly as taken):


spooky, huh?!

well, a not-so-good day in the car dept.

how do you like my car's new look? tried to take a bite out of the i-40 guardrail during the big storm today:


fortunately i'm not hurt, and even more fortunately, i've got this guy:



this is the sort of look i get when i say things like, "i'm fine. you don't have to wait for the tow truck."

how people treat me

i can't remember where i first heard this formulation, but today, here's a reminder for myself:

i begin to teach people how to treat me from the moment i meet them

i remember sitting on the steps of my new apartment in boston, in tears because i'd just driven 15 hours to take possession and set it up in time for eric's exhausted return from israel the next day -- and the apartment was filthy. i called christine and talked through it, remembered who i choose to be, eventually called the landlord and calmly insisted that he take care of it, which he did (after some initial squirming, saying that he was sure i'd want to clean it myself anyway). he paid a cleaning service and my hotel bill for the night.

we all participate in patterns

it's not always as obvious as abusers/victims or addicts/co-dependents, but somehow we manage to find the people who fit us, in bad ways and good, and who reinforce our worldview. i've healed up in so many ways and no longer attract some of the really crummy stuff i once did, but

in what ways am i doing this even now?

question

signed on with a coach at the ymca today. as part of the interview, he asked me to name one thing i like about myself and one thing i'd really like to do someday. i pass these questions -- especially the last one -- on to you. don't give it a lot of thought -- just blurt something out.

prison population mark

from the drug law blog late last week:

A major report from the Pew Center is out today noting the sad statistic that 1 in 100 adults is now locked up in jail or prison in this country.

if you have a second, the graphic here, which shows the racial breakdown, is worth a look. The 1 in 100 figure above includes women. For black men 20-34 the figure is 1 in 9.

1 in 9.

1 in 9.

another visit trip

boston is pretty in the winter:


here's a pic i like:


looks like a walkway, right? but it's really shot straight up the side of the bu law building:


i don't suppose anyone chooses bu law for its lovely facility, but it does have another thing or two to recommend it.

young hitchhikers

new friends:


had a good trip to the northeast last week (but came home sick, so i'm still catching up!)

in philly, we found travelers still getting sorted out from the previous day's storm. flights and trains were full, so we rented a car to get to boston. in the process we discovered this lovely french family (l to r: eric, madeleine, manon and caroline (not pictured)) stranded on their way home to ny from mexico, so we doubled up and dropped them off. hey, it's not often we get to drive a mini-van with kid seats!

tuesday night they fixed us a lovely picnic dinner at their home! madeleine is a serious artist:


manon is a delightful elf who likes to dance:

revenge legitimate?

less than 3 minutes: an articulate former prosecutor whose brother was murdered: