My "saying no" story. Everyone has one.

Background: when I was in high school, my friend Robert killed himself because I wouldn't go out with him. I "learned" that saying no could kill people, at least when I did it. You can imagine that I had a wee tiny problem saying no.

Years later, I volunteered at an emergency shelter. We took in people in all sorts of emergencies -- abused women with kids, runaways, etc. -- so everyone needed it to be a safe place. For this reason, we did not take people who were intoxicated. Every night, homeless guys would come to the door drunk, wanting to stay. We had to say no.

In training, we practiced saying no at the door. That's when I learned an important thing. We all had this need to convince the drunk guy that our decision was right, get him to agree with us. We explained, we blamed rules and higher-ups, etc., etc. -- to no avail, of course -- until we finally got angry enough and slammed the door.

The drunk person would just manipulate, accuse us of being uncaring, threaten the shelter with bad publicity. (The things we fear: I'm not nice and other people will think I'm not nice.)

And the funny part was realizing that the drunk guy was *never* going to agree -- he had a big interest in seeing it the other way. I was at the door, trying to convince a drunk guy that it really was better that he not come in and sleep in a nice, clean bed.

What I learned was that the advance work was important -- I had to convince myself that I had a right to say no -- it was rightfully my/our decision -- and that it was possible to say no simply, firmly, without anger.

I could explain if I thought it helpful, but I had no obligation even to explain, and sometimes explaining wasn't helpful ("You're intoxicated" does not elicit a "You're right, I'm intoxicated" response.)

I could just say, kindly, "No, sorry, you can't stay here tonight," maybe repeat it in response to whatever he said, but then close the door.

And that, btw, was much more respectful to the other person than my getting all defensive and resentful.

law school, week one -- behind me!

At the moment, I'm thinking that this will be a weekly opportunity for me to "pause and reflect" as suggested by someone during the orientation process. So, with apologies, I'm mostly doing this for me right now.

As it's late, I'll just plop things onto the page:

1. There is an enormous amount of work! I say this not in self-pity but in real amazement! You may have heard me say that I hoped my inability to read as fast as some (Eric!) and my likely reduced energy levels (as compared to my 20-something classmates) would be balanced by the fact that I don't need to drink and look for a boyfriend. Well, what I have to say now is that it's a seriously good thing that I don't need to do those things because I'm barely -- no, be honest -- not keeping up. It's terrifying at times to realize that I'm doing very little other than this -- not "wasting" much time on self-maintenance, relationships, etc. -- and it's not enough to feel that it's under control. And I've made a deliberate decision not to commit to the "feeding" stuff like pottery (although I have been to Quaker Meeting twice now) and allow myself the odd luxury of just focusing on this.

2. I am told that the only way through is through, so I do the best I can, and try to learn -- not just law, but how to learn, how to study, how to approach all this. They say just keep doing and it will all fall into place. At this point there's nothing to do but to trust that that's true. It's comforting to be surrounded by very smart people who are also in this state. I keep trying to step back and get some perspective now and then.

3. My profs are great. Our constitutional (con) law prof is also our faculty advisor. With him, we have our "small section" class (about 30 people). Also we've had that class a couple of extra times, due to scheduling stuff, so he's the one I feel I have the best sense of, and I feel very lucky to have him. He is very young -- younger than son Michael, which is a grin -- just out of Yale Law last year. This is his first year teaching. That we won't have last year's exams to prepare with will be balanced, I am convinced, by his genuine enthusiasm for the subject/job/class. This class has, by far, the most reading and the reading is very "dense" so it takes forever.

The other classes I have this semester are Property, Contracts, Civil Procedure and "Lawyering." More on them later, but the profs all seem good and have very different personalities.

4. For the first several days, every class required a re-boot of my brain. I went in thinking I was prepared and came out thinking that I had been completely unprepared -- but that I realized something about what I should have done to prepare. Very steep learning curve here.

5. The other students are fabulous. There is a real diversity of personality, if not the race/socio-economic spread one would wish for -- that latter seems to be true of law school in general, from what I can tell. At any rate, the students are more than I hoped for -- they are very smart and very welcoming toward me. It's fun. I'm back in that PK position where, because I stand out, everyone knows my name and I am only very slowly learning theirs, but hey, I've been here before, and I'm enjoying how quickly they begin to ignore my major difference and just treat me like one of the gang.

6, OK, so here are the questions I'm thinking of asking myself at the end of each week. Thanks to my wonderful Partner for help in coming up with them:

• How did the week go?
• What have I learned this week about how to do this?
• What's one thing I could do differently so that I could get more done with less effort?
• Am I allowing for possibilities I don't yet see?
• Is it time yet to add in some fun/feeding stuff?

My white board says "remember that you love this -- don't focus on the burden!"

I'm thinking often of Nate as he launches into college, and of Nick who has been such a cool trailblazer for me, and of Serine who's in my shoes at UT. I am so grateful to family, friends and various communities for all the continued cheerleading of this late blooming of mine -- you have no idea how much that matters. And most of all to Eric, of course, for everything. Thank you.

setting intentions

i'm not all that woo-woo (as we call it in asheville), but i do believe in setting intentions, mostly because it has had surprising results when i've looked back.

eric and i have moved often enough that we've developed a ritual about leaving one place and arriving in another, and it includes walking back through the time in the old place and setting intentions or stating what we hope for the new place.

for dodge street, we hoped it would be a good launching pad -- yikes! that worked. maybe a little too well! for here, we are laughing that we intend that NOTHING INTERESTING WILL HAPPEN!

seriously, it's a scary thing to put the intentions out there. i used to be scared that they wouldn't be realized, but now i'm honestly a little more scared that they will. i want to do well in school, be a good partner to eric, let the people in my life know that i love them, be centered and choose well, take good care of myself -- those are easy to say. but the hard one is that i most of all want to get better at hearing and trusting that quiet Voice that will Guide us if we let it. that's the scary part, but also the heart of the matter.

today's thought is that i can do this intention re-set any time i like, not just when we move. now *that's* scary!

more on letting go

i have to begin by admitting that i'm a hoarder.

a few years ago when we moved and could not take everything, the process of dealing with all the "stuff" was overwhelming. everything i touched seemed to require this enormously heavy multiple choice question:

keep? take to boston? pack in storage?

don't keep? sell? give to someone? donate? recycle? trash?

the task was just plain painful and overwhelming, partly because it was layered with some things i wasn't really aware of at the time.

this time i decided to take seriously the advice on the front of the card christine gave me several years ago: have nothing in your house that you don't know to be useful or believe to be beautiful (or something like that). i thought i'd try it out and see -- well, honestly, i thought i'd see what was wrong with the advice. =)

have to say i recommend it. i learned some pretty serious stuff about myself:

everything -- everything! -- that i was holding onto that didn't fit one of those categories was attached to me by fear: fear that i might need it someday, fear that someone would be upset if i let it go, etc. this means my house (and evil storage units) had all kinds of stuff that isn't useful and i don't love -- yuck!

i might need it someday, sure, but someone else needs it now. i might need it someday, sure, but i can trust that i will have what i need then, same as now.

and about my great-grandmother's whatever or this thing that so-and-so gave me? if i don't love it or use it, i'm just keeping it out of guilt. is this a good way to honor someone? i can offer it around. if no one else wants it, it's ok to let it go to the habitat store. off it goes to someone who will want it.

the other fear thing was about money. i thought i had to get every penny out of things if i could, and that meant this big monster of selling stuff somehow. paralyzing.

instead i put a few things on craigslist and sold most of them, but just let the other stuff go. money or not, it was really fun when things found a good home, and it has been amazing to see that happen -- people with some need turning up at just the right moment, people loving something i was ready to part with, etc.

and i'm free. freer anyway. i do wonder what it would be like to own nothing, but i'm not there yet.

at this point, i've cleared two (yes, two) storage units, the pottery studio and eric's office. all that's left is at home and the stuff is flying out the door.

everyone (including me at times) is sort of waiting for the crash, since i'm pushing pretty hard here, but what seems to be happening is that it does take energy to walk into all this, but there is also an energy boost that comes from getting free.

anyway, i do highly recommend taking a look around to see what stuff is in your life and why.

progmess

here's my newly-invented word:

progmess: that stage where real progress is being made, but it looks, feels, etc. like unmitigated chaos.

i'm thinking about lots of people who are in the progmess stage of things (e.g., divorce), where the central event has happened, but there is still so much pain, fear, danger, clean-up, etc. that it's hard to believe that real healing could possibly be happening.

me, i'm just trying to get rid of things, pack & move.

cheerleaders

woke up thinking about the rich variety in the people who populate my corner of the world, in terms of age, race, work, finances, personality, situation, etc. -- thinking it's pretty amazing and wondering how my new life with all these very smart would-be lawyers will feel -- surely i'll have a broader political spectrum!

but also just noticing that the common thread with almost everyone in my life is the cheerleading aspect -- everyone i am close to is doing some kind of amazing encouraging, whether it's the public form, like blogging, performing, preaching, public speaking, writing, leading groups -- or the more private cheerleading of writing letters, pastoring, parenting, coaching, tutoring, guarding ad litem, encouraging everything from hanging in there to entrepreneurship to integrity.

it's the relationships that make life whatever it is. mine is rich and i'm grateful.

not that the life i have now is boring

just got home from hearing edward chapman speak to the incarcerated youth (including the one i tutor) at swannanoa valley youth development center, which everyone around here calls "j.e.c."

some of edward's messages for the guys:

• no matter where you are, you have choices
• keep your mind busy with positive things (art, poetry, whatever is your niche)
  
• surround yourself with people who will help you succeed, not pull you down
• holding grudges takes a lot of energy
• ask for help, talk to people
• stop blaming other people and look at your own part in your situation
  
• and then forgive yourself

it was beautiful to watch the guys ask him questions. not one of them acted out even a little for a solid hour.

it's hard to believe that here is a man who did not have advantages and who spent 14 years under a death sentence for crimes he didn't do -- and he has this kind of wisdom while i can hold grudges with a vice grip.

anyway, i wish each of you a friend like edward.

letting go

big day yesterday: sold the pottery wheel, kiln & related stuff. i kept a few tools i'll take to ithaca. i amuse myself often these days, watching my choices and reactions, some of which are quite ridiculous.

i took my first pottery class at age 35 fifteen years ago, at the urging of my (still) good friend, janet. over the next few years, we went through the death throes of doomed marriages together, and the pottery was therapy.

but it was more than that. until that pottery class, i'd come to terms with the fact that i was completely left-brained, and had no artistic side. that was ok -- i was good at various things and that was enough.

discovering pottery was like those dreams where you find rooms in your house you didn't know were there. i was hooked. and speaking of dreams, it was in a dream that i first told someone "i'm a potter."

over the next few years, i taught pottery classes, worked as a potter, had a studio at home, had pieces in great galleries and sold a few. i tried to find the right balance between all this fabulous creative time which pulls me and the things that push -- this drive to use my intellect and to affect both individual lives and the overall systems we all operate in.

now i'm faced with the reality that i need to be highly portable for the next few years. i'll be crazy busy and living in a tiny place. i'll likely spend summers and possibly a semester elsewhere. i can't keep this stuff.

so this is a big thing, this selling off of equipment, because it's an active acknowledgment that pottery's rightful place is not the center of my life. and an active trusting that there will be chances to play in the mud, even if i let go. that i am still who i am, even without all this stuff.

today's marital advice

woke up to an empty house again and there's another showing today, so i started cleaning out the fridge while the tea water boiled. that started me off appreciating eric (who usually does these things) and thinking about marital advice. probably helped that there are two family anniversaries this week: my parents' (53rd!) and the dlls'.

now, i have an unfortunate marital history -- let's just leave it at that and let me claim some basis for knowing that of which i speak when i say that eric is a great partner.

early on, i told him that, unfair as it was, he was going to have to make tea for me every morning because that's what starts me off feeling loved. and he does! when he's around he fights me for the right to make one pot for the morning and a thermos-full for later. and now, thousands of pots of tea later, that tank is full -- i feel loved even when i have to make my own.

so my advice is about little things, even though it's true that things like common values are essential.

anyway, here's my advice:

1. generosity: find someone who will make you tea every day (or whatever little daily thing is yours to need)
1a. strength: and is also willing to fight you.

2. responsibility: find someone who will voluntarily throw out the gross stuff in the fridge. if he'll do things like this, he'll step up in other ways.

3. delight: find someone who grins when he says he loves you.

the little things are the big things, as always.

happy anniversary to mom & dad and david & deanna, and a big thank you to marni & lee for introducing me to their friend eric.

and the living is easy

my sister and her family are unable to use the first couple of days of their condo rental at the beach, so the rents and i are keeping it from going to waste! i'm so lucky in the family department. this from the porch of brett's waterway cafe:


~~~~~

there's talk lately about the meaning of "home." what makes home? lots of songs jump into my head. there's robert frost's rather cynical "home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

geography and familiarity contribute, but some (david!) are good at making themselves at home (at least to some extent) in a different hotel room every night. and did edward spend fifteen years in prison without making some kind of home there?

we say "make yourself at home" to mean take care of yourself here, find what you need, relax, claim something here. and is home restricted to a dwelling? i feel at home in asheville or here on fernandina beach.

questions, questions. what does home mean? i don't know, but i'm hoping to become increasingly turtle-like for the next few years -- able to take my sense of home with me -- without taking all the stuff!

gathering

seems it's time to start saying goodbye. here's the fam (all 10.5 of us) at sourwood inn last weekend -- what a lovely peaceful place . . .


and then we had a low-key party-ish sort of thing, which we called our housewarming and going-away party. david took this great pic of me with edward chapman. i'm glad to have a visual to take with me to remind me why i need to do this work. what a privilege to call this generous, gentle man my friend!



life is good, but very busy! we've suddenly realized that -- sale or no sale -- we need to be out of here by about the end of the month, so that means a fast pace for the next few weeks. after i get back from a couple of days at the beach, that is! feels like one last deep breath, then diving in.

eric is here but will leave tomorrow and i won't see him until august -- we're taking this 'apart' thing for a test drive -- pretty scary for both of us, but exciting, too. it just occurred to us that there are other couples who have lived apart (duh) -- if you have any advice, bring it on!

what i wish i were hearing about energy costs

just home from a trip to boston. drove up, flew back. gas prices are painfully high, though i suppose we'll think soon enough that $4.00/gallon doesn't sound so bad.

in theory, i understand that we need these high prices and this pain to motivate a less destructive way of life. what i hate is that, in yet another way, the burden falls hardest on those who can least bear it, while exxon made $40 billion profit from our pain last year, is on track again so far this year, and is now selling off its gas stations because there's not enough profit there.

here are some things i'd like to hear from our leadership:

• this crisis was inevitable and if we'd had good leadership, we'd have done something to prepare, but we didn't.
• there is nothing (sane) we can do to get our old gas prices and lifestyle back. those days are gone.
  
• we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil, for reasons relating to national security.
• we need to reduce our dependence on all oil, for reasons relating to our planet.
• this will require some serious changes.
• we need to help the folks on the bottom, especially, for both economic and compassionate reasons. the price of gas is awfully close to minimum wage now.
  
• we need better local public transportation options. now would be good. i've tried using the bus system in asheville for getting around, and it's generally complicated and unnecessarily inefficient. boston, on the other hand, and even tiny ithaca . . .
  
• we need better distance travel options. trains are a great way to travel, but from asheville, i have to come/go through greenville, sc in the middle of the night, and unless i'm going to a city with good public transportation options, i'm stuck once i get there. (a nod to my friend chris ahrens who died last year, but to the very end, argued for passenger rail in our area)
• both local and distance public transportation will have to be subsidized or provided by governments, for the good of all of us, and we can't wait until the demand is high enough to make it profitable. we need investment in it first, so that it works, so that it can be understood as a workable option, so that demand can go up enough to support it.
  
• we need natural light and air in our homes and workplaces, so we're not spending so much on the artificial kind. we need better building design.
  
• for what we now call "the cooling season," we need well-placed trees to protect our homes from direct sunlight. trees that lose their leaves in the winter so the sun warms us in "the heating season." or if we have direct sunlight, what about solar options or green roofs?
• we need heating systems that work room by room. if the baby's room needs to be warmer, great, but we shouldn't have to heat the living room and kitchen all night.
• we need to cut down on how far things are shipped across the country, which means learning how to buy local -- not as a rigid rule, but as a factor to consider. i already pay more for organic, partly because i like supporting organic farmers. i willingly pay more to shop at town hardware, because i like supporting local business. i can start paying better attention to the local angle.
  

i recently heard mike farrell quote john o'donohue, saying that the duty of privilege is absolute integrity.

we who are privileged need to make choices others can't make. we all need to do what we can to create the world we want.

i'm no energy expert. these things won't solve everything. i just want us to think about all this, have a real conversation and go in a sane direction. for a change.

what do i want?

christine is doing her "great big dreams" retreat again this weekend, and that's got me thinking about what it is i want.

yes, i want to sell the house, but more specifically i want to sell it at a good price to someone who will love being here and be good neighbors with lela and miles next door.

and more generally, i want to be free of these possessions (including the house) that seem to hold me in ways i don't want to be tethered.

so how do i ask for what i want? i want to live simply and be free to do the work i feel called to.

that reminded me of what we hoped for during our "delusions of stability" in 2006 when we bought this house -- we wanted it to be a good launching pad.

wow. that worked.

careful what you ask for.

happiness and politics

wall street journal reviewed a book yesterday: how to be of good cheer by arthur c. brooks. wsj: "Those who identify themselves as conservative or very conservative, [brooks] says, are twice as likely to say that they're very happy as those who identify themselves as liberal or very liberal."

while there may be other reasons, may i just point out that this is based on 2004 data?!?!

as eric says, being in the middle of gwb's administration may not have made conservatives happy, but it did make liberals pretty miserable.

that aside, are conservatives happier? if so, are there reasons which i can believe? hmmm.

what i'd really like to know is this: is there a relationship between happiness and the tendency toward complex analysis (vs. black/white thinking, or clarity, depending on your viewpoint). seems to me that's one of the things that differentiates liberals and conservatives. we liberals generally find it impossible to put our positions into 5-word bumper stickers. and it makes some sense to me that this tendency to analyze might make us more aware of what's wrong.

does this make logical sense? what else?

another school & why i need to do this work

hard to believe i've been admitted to an ivy league law school and wait-listed at another. what feels posible has changed so much in these last few months. i'm in binghamton, ny, heading over for a look at cornell law.

stray word thought: why are we under various circumstances?

if you have a few minutes for something really compelling, watch this news clip of glen edward chapman, just released after spending 15+ years on nc death row for one murder he did not commit and another which may not have even happened. apparently a police officer who testified has just been suspended during a perjury investigation. chapman was deeply wronged by the state, and may not receive any compensation for it, but check him out. especially under the circumstances, his attitude is amazing.

happy people

ok, so someone goes around asking everyone, “who is the happiest person you know?” and then interviewing the happy people — and writes a book or article or makes a film, or something . . .

eric says i told him about this a while back, and now that he mentions it, it does sound familiar, but i can’t pull it up in my memory — and can’t find it by googling.

does anyone in my life know what i’m talking about? if so, please e/call/comment. thanks! it’s driving me crazy.

Leadings #4: say no

oops, i forgot #4 in this series on Leadings, so here it is.

4. learn to say no. of course i need to say no to the “bad” things, but the wrong path for me is not necessarily a bad path in any objective sense. in addition to all the consumer stuff, every day, the world presents opportunities to give my time and money to address real problems. there are people who need food, clothing, medical care (for countless conditions), protection, education, employment, companionship, advocacy, treatment, peacemaking, encouragement, fairness and equality. there are those who are hungry, sick and in prison, both literally and figuratively, at every turn.

. . . and this is just the people. there are also animals, rivers, mountaintops, etc. which can call us to action.

if i respond to every one of these with an internal “should” (whether or not i actually commit time or money), i run a serious risk of simply immobilizing myself and being little or no good to anyone — and more importantly, failing to discover the reason i’m here.

it’s really no wonder i isolate myself from the world’s problems — i am overwhelmed by them because i somehow believe that i am responsible for responding to every need i encounter. unfortunately, this is reinforced by many good people and causes who use guilt to hook me into joining them. if i don’t have a strong sense of what i am supposed to be doing, it’s hard not be swamped by all this. sometimes in the face of all this, i just shut down my compassion.

but when i know what i’m here for, i can dedicate myself to that and stay centered in this sea of need. when i encounter need, i can be willing to feel the compassion and concern i have, ask myself whether this is pulling me in a positive (rather than guilt-ridden) way, and if not, then i can return to my own true work.

there are way too many needs for any one of us, and i don’t think it helps me or anyone if i get scattered. it’s important to have permission to say no.

it’s my hope that those of us doing good work in the world can learn to support each other emotionally without any guilt in the transaction. i want to be able to say, “wow, that is so great that you’re doing that! here’s what i’m doing over here,” and have that feel clean all the way around. i would like to go to talks on various issues, to learn and care, and then return to my own part, glad that others are doing theirs.


lunch with my folks today at the lovely veranda cafe in black mountain. hard to top that!

i got a call from the chaplain at the swannanoa valley youth development center, which is a nice name for our local state-run long-term incarceration facility for juvenile boys.

anyway, i am to get a new guy who needs some one-on-one — and this time it’s to be art, not math! i know i’m weird but when the chaplain said the boy had been described as “artistic and angry” i thought: cool — this ought to be fun! and it’s partly that reaction that lets me know i’m in the Right place. i really love working with these guys.

one of the stranger things i'll miss about asheville.

Leadings #5: read

asheville airport last night — somebody’s plane was really late:

more on Leadings:

another suggestion: read. as part of these thoughts on Leadings, i wanted to put together a suggested reading list. maybe i will. if so, it will include gregg levoy’s callings: finding and following an authentic life which came up in conversation this morning.

shortly after we settled (re-settled, in my case) in asheville in 2002, we were wandering around downtown one late-summer evening, and happened into malaprops bookstore & cafe in time for a lecture/reading/booksigning by gregg levoy. what a treat! in looking for the link earlier today, i came across levoy’s book recs and the list looks amazing. although i haven't read all of them, i think i'll just defer to him at this point. i’ll add other book recs of my own as i go along, and would welcome yours, as well.

Leadings #3: get proactive

still in austin. nick has been a great sport about another night of ‘rents on the futon and has even offered his dad a clean t-shirt (complete with law firm logo). tornado problems in houston kept us from flying home yesterday.

today, instead of participating in the asheville events to mark the fifth anniversary of the iraq invasion, i’ll be flying home this evening. (and get some of my thoughts about that down — as well as some pics from austin — later this week.)

yesterday, instead of flying, i got more time with nick & serine, some great pizza, more episodes of arrested development, and a wonderful phone conversation with a good friend about this whole issue of Leadings or Call or Rightness in our lives. here are some thoughts arising from that conversation and other events this week.

as is true for an uncanny number of people in my life, my friend is doing good work, but is wondering whether there is something more Right for her. it’s a tricky situation. it’s easy for me to make arguments that what she is doing is good: it’s important, it benefits lots of people, she is good at it. these things are true, but they are also the external voice talking. her Insides are saying yeah, yeah, but i want something more — i want to be doing something i love, that uses more of what i have to offer, that’s a really good fit, that motivates me, that Lights me up at least when i remember why i’m doing it.

this week i had a brief conversation with a law student who is wondering whether a life in death penalty work would be too . . . ummm, dark? good question. important question. one i’ve asked myself, and lots of other people have asked me. and a question each of us can answer only for ourselves because we’re all so different.

this week i also had the real honor of meeting rob owen of ut law’s death penalty clinic, someone i’ve been admiring from afar since i first stepped into all this. he came to austin with his 1989 harvard jd, and has been doing this work ever since — not just fighting for condemned clients, but doing so in Texas (it’s hard to overstate the bleakness of the capital punishment situation here, his recent wins notwithstanding). in my conversation with him, though, i was struck by how enthusiastic he is and how he seems to love this work he’s been doing for close to twenty years. it seems Right for him, and he for it.

that’s what we’re looking for — not his work, of course, but that Rightness.
some people will tell you that’s too much to ask for, but i don’t believe it. some people will tell you that not everyone has a calling, but i don’t believe it. i think it’s like creativity — we all have it, the question is how to find it, tap it, live it.

so here are some thoughts on finding it, if i don’t already have a strong sense of what’s Right for me:

be pro-active — make regular space for exploring. your own way of living with this question is fine, but here are some to consider: julia cameron’s the artist’s way recommends a two-fold practice, including daily morning pages and weekly artist dates. this may sound odd, but for me, the every-morning speed-writing, which i’ve been doing more on than off for 14 years now, is a way to dump what’s inside out onto a page where i can see it. it’s a great tool for catching myself telling the Truth, instead of saying what i’m supposed to think or feel. the artist dates (much harder for me) are a way to just sort of wander or play regularly, to try to find out what delights me or is really fun for me, which is surprisingly hard for some of us.

be still — make regular space for listening. this means silence with absolutely no distractions or interruptions. call it meditation, prayer, whatever you like, but be willing to be still and ask. be willing to do it again and again, even if no answer comes. be willing to wait for an answer. it’s worth it. the regular asking itself will help me notice the clues when i get them. this doesn’t have to be a big deal, but it is hard to do. how about sitting ten minutes when i first get up every day? i can burn a candle if i like. i can drink coffee/tea, doesn’t matter, i just sit.

get help - is there anyone i know who is a good mirror for me? who can help me notice when i Light up about something, or when an issue seems to particularly hook me? is there anyone in my family or who has known me a long time, who can help me think of people i’ve admired? quakers have a thing called clearness committees, in which a group is invited to just listen and ask questions, to sort of serve as this mirror when one has an important decision. this kind of thing can be amazing.

Leadings #2

[for the purpose of this writing, i’m assuming that we are all good people who do many good and important things, but have this sense that there is more. maybe in the middle of life, asking whether this is all there is. maybe just starting out, feeling the enormity of the choices. maybe in the later part, feeling the pressure of time. maybe longing to do something important in the world. maybe wanting the safety of knowing our place or the challenge of something really big. maybe the sense that we are spending our lives on things that aren’t quite it, though people around us assure us that our contribution is important. maybe admiring people who seem to understand what they are here for and what they are to do, whose lives have a meaningful focus.]

last week i wrote about taking responsibility. the paradox is that i must simultaneously take responsibility and let go and trust. i must take responsibility for listening for — and responding to — these leadings, these hints and nudges, that still small Voice. but first a few thoughts about what to stop doing.

the first step is to be willing to toss out my own assumptions about what would be really sweet. if i’m going to follow Leadings, i have to recognize that my ego’s voice — smart as it may be — does not have my best Guidance. i need to be willing to see through a different lens, be willing to be surprised. in the same way that we learn to let our brains overrule our instincts (though instincts continue to have value), we can learn to let Leadings overrule our best thinking. not that thinking is bad!

recognize that i aim at the wrong goal by default. of course i have an image of “the good life” — i am steeped in a culture which defines it for me and tries to sell it to me in a zillion ways. i figured out long ago that the consumer culture will not keep its promises. this is not news. but i often fail to acknowledge how deeply i am affected by it all. our culture programs us to a buy-more-get-approval-be-less-ugly-have-power-be-cool-or-you’ll-never-be-happy way of thinking, and it’s hard to overcome that.

make a habit of questioning. i can’t question the cultural version of ‘good’ without some pretty constant effort. if i fail to make this effort, i end up following what seems like the best advice available, but it is in fact a path which will only lead me toward more of the same: a life that has its moments but generally is not rich. i need to ask: is this Good? does it square with what i believe? is it Right for me? what is it costing?

stop giving any weight whatsoever to what others are running after. they don’t have the answers — they’re still chasing. mama was right: that everyone else does it doesn’t make it right for me. by itself, though, this realization is not enough to keep me from following the herd. it may help to remember is that this is not a democratic process — it’s entirely mine. it may be that few people even realize that there are real alternatives here. but if i start with what everyone else wants, then that predetermines the outcome or at least the path, and may well foreclose the Right path, the road not taken, my own narrow way.

even good people who love me don’t have my answers. and this means being willing to be out of step not only with the larger culture, but with the people close to me. this can be tough, really tough, but i have to be willing to take this on. if i hold onto external acceptance instead of the Voice inside me, i take the wrong path. this doesn’t mean i become a self-righteous, judgmental person, but that i have to risk that others will interpret my choices as judgment of theirs. it’s easier to go along, but i know where that leads. judge not, but take a different path if that’s Right.

the ideal of Goodness that i took from my upbringing may not be helping me. it’s okay to question this, especially if my picture of being Good is boring, sappy, humorless or not very smart. i’m talking about coming alive here.

attacks on good people

i know a couple of women who regularly inspire and delight the people with whom they come into contact. i know them both well and they are good-hearted and committed to being smart about making the world a better place. they are both dedicated to their own spiritual growth - to living with less judgment and resentment and more joy.

so why do they each also attract real venom from near-strangers sometimes? over the years i’ve seen them attacked with a kind of cruel, derisive, go-for-the-jugular vitriol that i rarely see outside of romantic breakups and political contests. i’m not talking about a smug holier-than-thou response — i mean actively spiteful words and actions which shock me and seem completely over the top.

what is this about? where does it come from?

my theory is that my friends threaten world-view, and there is little more terrifying than having our entire sense of how the world works threatened (just ask galileo!). my friends tell the world in word and actions that something better is possible and worth working toward. for some that’s a welcome reminder, a call to hope, but for some others this is a huge threat and triggers their cornered-animal behavior.

i think the pattern is this: this attack response is produced in people who

1) have a more cynical world-view,
2) are deeply invested in the world working the way they think it does, and
3) sense the core strength and power these friends possess (otherwise the strong reaction makes no sense — they could simply be dismissed after some eye-rolling).

my friends inspire this rage because they threaten everything for these folks: the security of understanding the world’s workings, their own place and value, and their own goodness. by this last i mean that if it turns out my friends are right and it is possible to be both smart and compassionate, both hopeful and effective, both delightful and committed, both hilarious and serious, both soft and strong, then they have made bad choices and are not wearing the white hats.

Leadings #1

if what i want is to make the most of my life (whatever that means), what do i need to do? the closest i can get to a Guiding principle is this: following Leadings is where we can find the really good stuff of life. tricky to write about, since Leadings are by nature highly individual.

i think it’s ok to think about this from a religious or non-religious perspective. regardless of what i believe, i want to make the most of my life, and there are clues along the way. my own sense is that the Divine is inside all of us, but i can think of this Inner Teacher as my own Wisest Self if that helps. I like Thomas Merton on this: “At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives . . . It is in everybody, and if we could see it, we would see these billions of points of light . . . I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere.”

so here goes: a series of posts with some thoughts on following Leadings, finding a Right life, doing what we came here — or were put here — to do, etc. this is the first of about ten, i think.

take responsibility for my part

i used to try to find the Right way of looking at the world and life. actually, i still do this — i’ve just stopped looking for the one way. now i look for more puzzle pieces.

i like systems and principles, so i naturally wanted some sort of uber-system that would make it all clear. but there is deep paradox in the world of Spirit, and subtlety between what’s Good and not, and that’s part of the sheer beauty. it’s easy to twist any Truth. and here’s a quote i love: “the opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.” (Niels Bohr)

i don’t believe in great clashes of Good and Evil, at least for the most part. for me, the interesting part (and the real work) is in the little details of living, because unconsciousness is so seductive and there is so much cultural support for it. becoming conscious — waking up, being aware, showing up, being present, paying attention, becoming enlightened — is a prerequisite for a life that’s just right.

i also used to look for some one wise person to reveal the Truth, but no one can hand me my Truth. i have to get it myself. i have the capacity to recognize Truth whenever i encounter it — not that i am consistently that wise, but my capacity to resonate deeply and note that resonance gets stronger with practice. i’m better at distinguishing when i am encountering Truth from when i’m justifying.

everyone has some of the Truth and these bits of Truth are everywhere if i’m looking for them. i can collect them and make them mine. [one nice side of all this is that i no longer need my mentors to be perfect. we all have some Truth and we’re all still human.]

the bottom line here is that i must stop waiting for a meaningful Right life to somehow appear on my doorstep. i have to look for it, and the place i have to look is inside. in fact, i have to really look for it, invest in finding it, give it my time and energy. i have to make this a priority, not just some idle wish. i think this is what Jesus meant when he said, “seek and you will find” and “seek first the kingdom” — not that i will find whatever i look for (though there’s an argument to be made here), or that this is some kind of magic that always works, but that if i want a rich, meaningful, joyful life that perfectly suits me, i first have to find my own unique sources of richness, meaning and joy, and if i really look for them, i’ll find them. this is not to take over for the Divine, but to step up and do my part. then, as the quakers say, Way will open.

how people treat me

i can't remember where i first heard this formulation, but today, here's a reminder for myself:

i begin to teach people how to treat me from the moment i meet them

i remember sitting on the steps of my new apartment in boston, in tears because i'd just driven 15 hours to take possession and set it up in time for eric's exhausted return from israel the next day -- and the apartment was filthy. i called christine and talked through it, remembered who i choose to be, eventually called the landlord and calmly insisted that he take care of it, which he did (after some initial squirming, saying that he was sure i'd want to clean it myself anyway). he paid a cleaning service and my hotel bill for the night.

we all participate in patterns

it's not always as obvious as abusers/victims or addicts/co-dependents, but somehow we manage to find the people who fit us, in bad ways and good, and who reinforce our worldview. i've healed up in so many ways and no longer attract some of the really crummy stuff i once did, but

in what ways am i doing this even now?

question

signed on with a coach at the ymca today. as part of the interview, he asked me to name one thing i like about myself and one thing i'd really like to do someday. i pass these questions -- especially the last one -- on to you. don't give it a lot of thought -- just blurt something out.

new york . . . well, newark, anyway

in nj, heading into new york tomorrow to check out one of the schools -- pretty exciting to think about visiting a school which has already accepted me.

flight-wise, lots of weather delays and the apparently requisite grumping, demanding, storming about, etc.

i know my trip and schedule didn't have the pressures that others' did, but i really had a good day. a couple of fun little kids and interesting seatmates on the flight. plus! it turned out christine was in the charlotte airport, too, and it was fun to know that -- even if she did choose to get on her flight rather than meet me for tea.

at the moment i'm grateful to:

• one of my seatmates in particular, a biz traveler in a surprisingly pleasant mood despite the fact that he lost his first class seat on a canceled flight and was sitting in the very back row, without even an empty middle seat next to him -- he was just glad to be transported from point a to point b (ok, i'm also grateful to him because he said i didn't look 50!),
  
• the quakers for making a space in which i could learn to be okay with not being in motion,
  
• christine for her advocacy of a complaint-free world -- it makes such a difference in my own life (when i can do it!) not to complain, and i'm sure it makes a difference for those who -- willingly or otherwise -- spend time around me, and
  
• eric for making the trip arrangements, and for making them in such a way that i don't feel intimidated by this whole going-to-the-big-city-alone thing.
  

airports and airplanes are good places to see the difference attitude makes.