setting intentions

i'm not all that woo-woo (as we call it in asheville), but i do believe in setting intentions, mostly because it has had surprising results when i've looked back.

eric and i have moved often enough that we've developed a ritual about leaving one place and arriving in another, and it includes walking back through the time in the old place and setting intentions or stating what we hope for the new place.

for dodge street, we hoped it would be a good launching pad -- yikes! that worked. maybe a little too well! for here, we are laughing that we intend that NOTHING INTERESTING WILL HAPPEN!

seriously, it's a scary thing to put the intentions out there. i used to be scared that they wouldn't be realized, but now i'm honestly a little more scared that they will. i want to do well in school, be a good partner to eric, let the people in my life know that i love them, be centered and choose well, take good care of myself -- those are easy to say. but the hard one is that i most of all want to get better at hearing and trusting that quiet Voice that will Guide us if we let it. that's the scary part, but also the heart of the matter.

today's thought is that i can do this intention re-set any time i like, not just when we move. now *that's* scary!

not that the life i have now is boring

just got home from hearing edward chapman speak to the incarcerated youth (including the one i tutor) at swannanoa valley youth development center, which everyone around here calls "j.e.c."

some of edward's messages for the guys:

• no matter where you are, you have choices
• keep your mind busy with positive things (art, poetry, whatever is your niche)
  
• surround yourself with people who will help you succeed, not pull you down
• holding grudges takes a lot of energy
• ask for help, talk to people
• stop blaming other people and look at your own part in your situation
  
• and then forgive yourself

it was beautiful to watch the guys ask him questions. not one of them acted out even a little for a solid hour.

it's hard to believe that here is a man who did not have advantages and who spent 14 years under a death sentence for crimes he didn't do -- and he has this kind of wisdom while i can hold grudges with a vice grip.

anyway, i wish each of you a friend like edward.

what do i want?

christine is doing her "great big dreams" retreat again this weekend, and that's got me thinking about what it is i want.

yes, i want to sell the house, but more specifically i want to sell it at a good price to someone who will love being here and be good neighbors with lela and miles next door.

and more generally, i want to be free of these possessions (including the house) that seem to hold me in ways i don't want to be tethered.

so how do i ask for what i want? i want to live simply and be free to do the work i feel called to.

that reminded me of what we hoped for during our "delusions of stability" in 2006 when we bought this house -- we wanted it to be a good launching pad.

wow. that worked.

careful what you ask for.

Leadings #4: say no

oops, i forgot #4 in this series on Leadings, so here it is.

4. learn to say no. of course i need to say no to the “bad” things, but the wrong path for me is not necessarily a bad path in any objective sense. in addition to all the consumer stuff, every day, the world presents opportunities to give my time and money to address real problems. there are people who need food, clothing, medical care (for countless conditions), protection, education, employment, companionship, advocacy, treatment, peacemaking, encouragement, fairness and equality. there are those who are hungry, sick and in prison, both literally and figuratively, at every turn.

. . . and this is just the people. there are also animals, rivers, mountaintops, etc. which can call us to action.

if i respond to every one of these with an internal “should” (whether or not i actually commit time or money), i run a serious risk of simply immobilizing myself and being little or no good to anyone — and more importantly, failing to discover the reason i’m here.

it’s really no wonder i isolate myself from the world’s problems — i am overwhelmed by them because i somehow believe that i am responsible for responding to every need i encounter. unfortunately, this is reinforced by many good people and causes who use guilt to hook me into joining them. if i don’t have a strong sense of what i am supposed to be doing, it’s hard not be swamped by all this. sometimes in the face of all this, i just shut down my compassion.

but when i know what i’m here for, i can dedicate myself to that and stay centered in this sea of need. when i encounter need, i can be willing to feel the compassion and concern i have, ask myself whether this is pulling me in a positive (rather than guilt-ridden) way, and if not, then i can return to my own true work.

there are way too many needs for any one of us, and i don’t think it helps me or anyone if i get scattered. it’s important to have permission to say no.

it’s my hope that those of us doing good work in the world can learn to support each other emotionally without any guilt in the transaction. i want to be able to say, “wow, that is so great that you’re doing that! here’s what i’m doing over here,” and have that feel clean all the way around. i would like to go to talks on various issues, to learn and care, and then return to my own part, glad that others are doing theirs.


lunch with my folks today at the lovely veranda cafe in black mountain. hard to top that!

i got a call from the chaplain at the swannanoa valley youth development center, which is a nice name for our local state-run long-term incarceration facility for juvenile boys.

anyway, i am to get a new guy who needs some one-on-one — and this time it’s to be art, not math! i know i’m weird but when the chaplain said the boy had been described as “artistic and angry” i thought: cool — this ought to be fun! and it’s partly that reaction that lets me know i’m in the Right place. i really love working with these guys.

one of the stranger things i'll miss about asheville.

Leadings #5: read

asheville airport last night — somebody’s plane was really late:

more on Leadings:

another suggestion: read. as part of these thoughts on Leadings, i wanted to put together a suggested reading list. maybe i will. if so, it will include gregg levoy’s callings: finding and following an authentic life which came up in conversation this morning.

shortly after we settled (re-settled, in my case) in asheville in 2002, we were wandering around downtown one late-summer evening, and happened into malaprops bookstore & cafe in time for a lecture/reading/booksigning by gregg levoy. what a treat! in looking for the link earlier today, i came across levoy’s book recs and the list looks amazing. although i haven't read all of them, i think i'll just defer to him at this point. i’ll add other book recs of my own as i go along, and would welcome yours, as well.

Leadings #3: get proactive

still in austin. nick has been a great sport about another night of ‘rents on the futon and has even offered his dad a clean t-shirt (complete with law firm logo). tornado problems in houston kept us from flying home yesterday.

today, instead of participating in the asheville events to mark the fifth anniversary of the iraq invasion, i’ll be flying home this evening. (and get some of my thoughts about that down — as well as some pics from austin — later this week.)

yesterday, instead of flying, i got more time with nick & serine, some great pizza, more episodes of arrested development, and a wonderful phone conversation with a good friend about this whole issue of Leadings or Call or Rightness in our lives. here are some thoughts arising from that conversation and other events this week.

as is true for an uncanny number of people in my life, my friend is doing good work, but is wondering whether there is something more Right for her. it’s a tricky situation. it’s easy for me to make arguments that what she is doing is good: it’s important, it benefits lots of people, she is good at it. these things are true, but they are also the external voice talking. her Insides are saying yeah, yeah, but i want something more — i want to be doing something i love, that uses more of what i have to offer, that’s a really good fit, that motivates me, that Lights me up at least when i remember why i’m doing it.

this week i had a brief conversation with a law student who is wondering whether a life in death penalty work would be too . . . ummm, dark? good question. important question. one i’ve asked myself, and lots of other people have asked me. and a question each of us can answer only for ourselves because we’re all so different.

this week i also had the real honor of meeting rob owen of ut law’s death penalty clinic, someone i’ve been admiring from afar since i first stepped into all this. he came to austin with his 1989 harvard jd, and has been doing this work ever since — not just fighting for condemned clients, but doing so in Texas (it’s hard to overstate the bleakness of the capital punishment situation here, his recent wins notwithstanding). in my conversation with him, though, i was struck by how enthusiastic he is and how he seems to love this work he’s been doing for close to twenty years. it seems Right for him, and he for it.

that’s what we’re looking for — not his work, of course, but that Rightness.
some people will tell you that’s too much to ask for, but i don’t believe it. some people will tell you that not everyone has a calling, but i don’t believe it. i think it’s like creativity — we all have it, the question is how to find it, tap it, live it.

so here are some thoughts on finding it, if i don’t already have a strong sense of what’s Right for me:

be pro-active — make regular space for exploring. your own way of living with this question is fine, but here are some to consider: julia cameron’s the artist’s way recommends a two-fold practice, including daily morning pages and weekly artist dates. this may sound odd, but for me, the every-morning speed-writing, which i’ve been doing more on than off for 14 years now, is a way to dump what’s inside out onto a page where i can see it. it’s a great tool for catching myself telling the Truth, instead of saying what i’m supposed to think or feel. the artist dates (much harder for me) are a way to just sort of wander or play regularly, to try to find out what delights me or is really fun for me, which is surprisingly hard for some of us.

be still — make regular space for listening. this means silence with absolutely no distractions or interruptions. call it meditation, prayer, whatever you like, but be willing to be still and ask. be willing to do it again and again, even if no answer comes. be willing to wait for an answer. it’s worth it. the regular asking itself will help me notice the clues when i get them. this doesn’t have to be a big deal, but it is hard to do. how about sitting ten minutes when i first get up every day? i can burn a candle if i like. i can drink coffee/tea, doesn’t matter, i just sit.

get help - is there anyone i know who is a good mirror for me? who can help me notice when i Light up about something, or when an issue seems to particularly hook me? is there anyone in my family or who has known me a long time, who can help me think of people i’ve admired? quakers have a thing called clearness committees, in which a group is invited to just listen and ask questions, to sort of serve as this mirror when one has an important decision. this kind of thing can be amazing.

Leadings #2

[for the purpose of this writing, i’m assuming that we are all good people who do many good and important things, but have this sense that there is more. maybe in the middle of life, asking whether this is all there is. maybe just starting out, feeling the enormity of the choices. maybe in the later part, feeling the pressure of time. maybe longing to do something important in the world. maybe wanting the safety of knowing our place or the challenge of something really big. maybe the sense that we are spending our lives on things that aren’t quite it, though people around us assure us that our contribution is important. maybe admiring people who seem to understand what they are here for and what they are to do, whose lives have a meaningful focus.]

last week i wrote about taking responsibility. the paradox is that i must simultaneously take responsibility and let go and trust. i must take responsibility for listening for — and responding to — these leadings, these hints and nudges, that still small Voice. but first a few thoughts about what to stop doing.

the first step is to be willing to toss out my own assumptions about what would be really sweet. if i’m going to follow Leadings, i have to recognize that my ego’s voice — smart as it may be — does not have my best Guidance. i need to be willing to see through a different lens, be willing to be surprised. in the same way that we learn to let our brains overrule our instincts (though instincts continue to have value), we can learn to let Leadings overrule our best thinking. not that thinking is bad!

recognize that i aim at the wrong goal by default. of course i have an image of “the good life” — i am steeped in a culture which defines it for me and tries to sell it to me in a zillion ways. i figured out long ago that the consumer culture will not keep its promises. this is not news. but i often fail to acknowledge how deeply i am affected by it all. our culture programs us to a buy-more-get-approval-be-less-ugly-have-power-be-cool-or-you’ll-never-be-happy way of thinking, and it’s hard to overcome that.

make a habit of questioning. i can’t question the cultural version of ‘good’ without some pretty constant effort. if i fail to make this effort, i end up following what seems like the best advice available, but it is in fact a path which will only lead me toward more of the same: a life that has its moments but generally is not rich. i need to ask: is this Good? does it square with what i believe? is it Right for me? what is it costing?

stop giving any weight whatsoever to what others are running after. they don’t have the answers — they’re still chasing. mama was right: that everyone else does it doesn’t make it right for me. by itself, though, this realization is not enough to keep me from following the herd. it may help to remember is that this is not a democratic process — it’s entirely mine. it may be that few people even realize that there are real alternatives here. but if i start with what everyone else wants, then that predetermines the outcome or at least the path, and may well foreclose the Right path, the road not taken, my own narrow way.

even good people who love me don’t have my answers. and this means being willing to be out of step not only with the larger culture, but with the people close to me. this can be tough, really tough, but i have to be willing to take this on. if i hold onto external acceptance instead of the Voice inside me, i take the wrong path. this doesn’t mean i become a self-righteous, judgmental person, but that i have to risk that others will interpret my choices as judgment of theirs. it’s easier to go along, but i know where that leads. judge not, but take a different path if that’s Right.

the ideal of Goodness that i took from my upbringing may not be helping me. it’s okay to question this, especially if my picture of being Good is boring, sappy, humorless or not very smart. i’m talking about coming alive here.

Leadings #1

if what i want is to make the most of my life (whatever that means), what do i need to do? the closest i can get to a Guiding principle is this: following Leadings is where we can find the really good stuff of life. tricky to write about, since Leadings are by nature highly individual.

i think it’s ok to think about this from a religious or non-religious perspective. regardless of what i believe, i want to make the most of my life, and there are clues along the way. my own sense is that the Divine is inside all of us, but i can think of this Inner Teacher as my own Wisest Self if that helps. I like Thomas Merton on this: “At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives . . . It is in everybody, and if we could see it, we would see these billions of points of light . . . I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere.”

so here goes: a series of posts with some thoughts on following Leadings, finding a Right life, doing what we came here — or were put here — to do, etc. this is the first of about ten, i think.

take responsibility for my part

i used to try to find the Right way of looking at the world and life. actually, i still do this — i’ve just stopped looking for the one way. now i look for more puzzle pieces.

i like systems and principles, so i naturally wanted some sort of uber-system that would make it all clear. but there is deep paradox in the world of Spirit, and subtlety between what’s Good and not, and that’s part of the sheer beauty. it’s easy to twist any Truth. and here’s a quote i love: “the opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.” (Niels Bohr)

i don’t believe in great clashes of Good and Evil, at least for the most part. for me, the interesting part (and the real work) is in the little details of living, because unconsciousness is so seductive and there is so much cultural support for it. becoming conscious — waking up, being aware, showing up, being present, paying attention, becoming enlightened — is a prerequisite for a life that’s just right.

i also used to look for some one wise person to reveal the Truth, but no one can hand me my Truth. i have to get it myself. i have the capacity to recognize Truth whenever i encounter it — not that i am consistently that wise, but my capacity to resonate deeply and note that resonance gets stronger with practice. i’m better at distinguishing when i am encountering Truth from when i’m justifying.

everyone has some of the Truth and these bits of Truth are everywhere if i’m looking for them. i can collect them and make them mine. [one nice side of all this is that i no longer need my mentors to be perfect. we all have some Truth and we’re all still human.]

the bottom line here is that i must stop waiting for a meaningful Right life to somehow appear on my doorstep. i have to look for it, and the place i have to look is inside. in fact, i have to really look for it, invest in finding it, give it my time and energy. i have to make this a priority, not just some idle wish. i think this is what Jesus meant when he said, “seek and you will find” and “seek first the kingdom” — not that i will find whatever i look for (though there’s an argument to be made here), or that this is some kind of magic that always works, but that if i want a rich, meaningful, joyful life that perfectly suits me, i first have to find my own unique sources of richness, meaning and joy, and if i really look for them, i’ll find them. this is not to take over for the Divine, but to step up and do my part. then, as the quakers say, Way will open.

get still

we each have inside us a very wise and very quiet Voice that knows the way, but we have to get still to hear it. not only do we have to be still, but we have to practice being still -- not that there's some right way to do it, but just that, like exercise, it's the habit that makes the difference. i don't know whether that's because the Voice doesn't trust us at first or because we have to learn to hear, but it seems to be true.

of course, for those of steeped in western culture, it's very difficult to be still, to listen, to just wait for that Voice to speak, but there is value in the waiting, just sitting and waiting to see what happens.

quakers sometimes talk about waiting in the Light. i like that image, as if i'm waiting in sunlight or even moonlight. a meditation i do regularly has a first step which includes the instruction to "become wholly receptive" -- how cool, i feel myself just sort of melt into it.

but we seem to be wired to recognize Truth when we meet it, even if it's disruptive and contradicts other beliefs -- about ourselves, for example.

this silent receptivity and Truth-seeking is not unique to quakers, of course -- many other practices include some kind of meditation. in the joy diet, martha beck suggests that the first two daily steps are 1) to be quiet for 15 minutes, and then 2) to tell yourself one true thing. amazing how something so simple can make such a difference.